CLOSET SERIES

BEING THE UNDERSTANDING LOVER

Today, we were having this group conversation after seeing a controversial video and I remember saying I don’t mind if my significant other was in that position. My friend secretly texted me, “You always do ‘most understanding’, it’s not good”. 

I guess watching me and hearing me talk about some of my experiences over the past few months made that conclusion reasonable for this person. I didn’t take the words seriously until I got in my bed and under my covers. I started to wonder why it was easy for people I showed affection to throw me under the bus. 

The answers? 

Easy to get. 

I was always too understanding.

Someone once joked, “you’re the kind of person that even if someone cut your fingers, you’d make excuses for them because you love them”. Now that I think about it, that was not a lame joke. It was probably a joke from the deepest place of reasoning of this person after realizing I could endure anything thrown at me, as long as I’m in love.

I’ve had the same people let me down over and over, Did I learn from this, No I didn’t. I continue to give chances and chances when it’s clear that it’s a roadblock. The big question that made me sit myself down is, “have you ever been hurt severally by the same person”. My answer is “yes”. The second question “would you give them another chance right now if they apologized”. I hesitated and said “No”.

 I lied.

I know I might not entirely make these people the top in my life but a chance back, I know I’ll give. Having a good heart, they said it’s good but over time I’ve realized nothing beneficial has come from allowing people to trample over you in the name of love.

I have over and over allowed people I choose to love to prey on my being very understanding characteristic that I have failed to realize how derogatory they treated me. I would let myself understand everything even the things that make no sense because I do not see the point of not understanding.

On the other side of the page, facing the wall  I have a lot to say.

This took me down the memory lane of everything I did to seem “understanding”. 

I would wait almost a day to get a text back and text (or honestly, double texted) back the second they do without complaining about how long it took. Act like it didn’t hurt when they could go a day without calling me and pretend like I understand the “busy schedules”.

I would pretend I didn't see the other girl's texts or try to understand why they had so many options with me not being a priority. I would give them a second and third chance because they promised it would be different this time. 

Every time they hurt me I would forgive them because they used "I love you" as an apology more than a declaration, and I refused to tell the difference because they would back it up with “you know how much I care for you”. 

They would say they had never been loved the way I loved them and I chose to be needed over being cared for. I would still understand especially when they make it clear that all of our problems were my fault. And when I try to argue I would hear the words "that's not what I meant" and decide it was the same as "I'm sorry I hurt you." 

I would tell them it was okay that they wanted to take a break from loving me when they felt the need to and I would promise I would stop being so clingy when all I asked was for them to understand me the way I understood them. I would try to be the one who cared less. Pretending like my emotions were operated by a switch. 

I would rewrite the story with plenty of excuses each time they were a jerk. Taking the blame even when I knew it didn't belong to me. I was always trying to make them as convenient as possible and allow them to decide who I was, and who I would be. I would never tell them how much they hurt me nor express how it felt, to know they would easily choose someone else over me.

I would willingly give them everything they asked for and ask for little or even nothing in return.

This made me spend each day becoming something I didn't recognize because there was only room for them to stay here if I acted like I understand.

Love with me starts to feel like a sacrifice because I was always the most understanding.

Do you know?

I covered up every repeated indiscretion with my blanket of empathy because as much as being degraded hurt me, I would try to be understanding because they told me they did love me and I always believed them.

So while lying down here, I realized I wasn’t so understanding, I constantly shrunk myself to a tiny piece because I love hard, much more than I am loved back and then I would rather be hurt than see the people I love, hurt.

I wish I had texted my friend back with, I’m not as understanding as I seem, just that when I truly care for someone, they are the priority, priority even above me.

Getting thrown under the bus is now starting to look like my fault because I’m trying to understand them, yet again.

But it’s never my fault that I love deeply, it’s their loss that they failed to see that I would do anything to see them comfortable because love is not meant to be harsh, love is meant to be home, where you can be comfortable.

I try to give that by being understanding.

But love doesn’t make you shrink yourself.

Love gives you the expansion and expression of yourself. With a projection of light, nothing can dim. Love is not crying yourself to sleep at night, love is staying up at 1 am giggling about the dumbest things.

So for all the times, I pretended the red flags were bouquets of roses. I wasn’t being an understanding lover.  I was just letting myself get used to nothing.

Yours,

Adetutu ❤️