DEAR HEALER

From a broken soul

*****TRIGGER WARNING*******

---

Dear Healer,

It’s me, Adetutu. Today, I am not feeling up to it. I tried, I mean I got up, worked out, did my laundry, had my bath, and dressed up to go out and read but today I am not feeling up to it. 

With exams 2 weeks away, I should be studying since I haven’t done so much studying before now but today I am not feeling up to it.

My life is not exactly going how I wanted it to go. Nothing has gone my way so far and it’s like as soon as I get out of a down moment, I find myself in an even downer one. I tried to push myself out of it but today I am not feeling up to it.

I hate everything that I am putting myself through. How every sadness I try to kick myself out of, I find myself at the start of it, again. I am feeling sad and I want to kick myself out of it but today I am not feeling up to it.

I know you said you’re God, and you are always there for us but why does my heart feel so heavy with words I have left unspoken? Why does my heart yearn for consolation from you to feel better? I want to scream out and let you hear my pain but today I am not feeling up to it.

I lift my leg and it feels heavy, I guess it can feel how tired I am, how heavy-hearted I feel, and how the tiredness my soul feels is starting to tell on my body. I want to fight myself out of this but today I am not feeling up to it.

My words are slurred and I don’t want to talk too fast because I could cry. I am holding so much in that I want to let out and I have so many people, so many people I do not want to let down but today I am not feeling up to it.

I saw a butterfly, so beautiful, I watched as it flew, unsure of its next move till it found solace on a green flower, it stayed there and unbothered by any other thing and I knew that was who I tried to be, I tried to be unbothered by everything that hurts me but today I am not feeling up to it.

I know I want to tell you so much and I want to be able to say everything I feel but words can’t explain what it all seems like. I know you see my heart and you see how I feel so I know I can depend on that. I can’t use my words to describe anything because today I am not feeling up to it.

I am not feeling like me: I am tired. I do not feel like walking the streets while holding my chin up with my usual fake smile plastered on my face and ready to make the next person laugh. I am not doing any of that today because today I am not feeling up to it.

I fought hard, I fought so much to get out of this. I fought so much to see the bright sunny days and to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel just got longer. I want to keep going but today I am not feeling up to it.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel otherwise, maybe the next day after this, I’ll be willing to wake the soldier in me to fight again. Maybe in days to come, words will be able to do justice to what I want and how I feel but as of today, I am not feeling up to it.

So I’m going to tell myself, it’s fine. It’s fine not to feel the way you want to feel. It’s fine not to feel up to it. I’m going to tell myself it’s fine to feel this way. I guess it’s fine to have a day like today when I am not feeling up to it. Up to anything.

I am not feeling up to fighting, up to read, up to eat, up to talk, socializing, up to want to do anything. Because days like this have to come so I can love the days that aren’t like this.

So today, I’ll sleep all day. Because I am not a butterfly, I am human and I can feel. I can feel things, either pain or pleasure. I can feel it.

And as of today that I am not feeling like me, I will take a break. 

I hope after you read this, you heal me. Because I know I can’t heal myself. 

So dear healer, HEAL MY BROKEN SOUL.

Yours,

ADETUTU.