FORLORN

Do you really need closure?

Someone called me tonight.

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I had not heard from this person in years and as soon as I heard their voice, it felt real, like I was back to when I use to know them. 

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This person broke a promise “to love me” some six years back. It felt like all the years of saying, I have moved on was a lie and I was back. Back to the day words said as promise didn’t count. The day when their action was louder than the words they said. The day when nothing made sense because I realized, Words were words and they’re so fragile. The day their words broke irreparably.

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I paused for about 30 seconds after the first “Hello, it’s A”. I wanted to be sure it wasn’t a butt dial or a prank call. My hesitation spanned around a lot of things but “What do they want?” Was the loudest in my head. I wanted to end the call but how would I know the purpose of this call if I take such action.

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“I believe you can hear me?” Their voice echoed across the phone and I figured I have been quiet for about 2 minutes. I finally responded.

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I wasn’t sure my response was right. I felt to myself that my response should have carried more weight. An expression of all the anger I suppressed all these years because finally, I might be getting closure.

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Another minute of silence went by. I guess they were trying to figure a reply to such cold unwelcoming response or maybe they had a reply and wanted to be sure it was well worded. “You must wonder why I called”. He finally responded.

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Oh yes I do wonder and how you got my contact is even more pertinent seeing that I changed my number after the last time you called.

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I had so many words to say but I held it back and listened to every letter of every word in each sentence they made. For every reply I suppressed, I knew I was doing really well.

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The call ended faster than I expected with our bye’s louder than the hello’s. I wanted to scream and shout and make my ending statement very obvious that, I do not want to ever receive a call from them again. I stayed sane and waited till the call ended before letting out my anger.

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Or grief!

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I was yet reminded again that I have lost this person and there was no returning. They’re never going to be in my life again neither would I be in theirs. If anything, maybe popping into each others lives once in a while like this to know if I’m still alive is the only way I get to hear their voice.

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A voice I use to hear everyday. A voice that calmed my soul and soothe my head. A voice that made my day better. Made me giggle, tickled my fancy, that voice. A voice I wanted to hear on my bad days and even more on my good days. That voice is one I get to hear just once in what feels like eternity.

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I want to pretend that I’m healed and not hurt or since I’ve been hurt by other people asides this person, it shouldn’t count. But when it came to us. It was different.

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I wonder if I will ever talk about love without thinking of them first. Our story had no happy ending. I was left in open to writhe in my agony. The biggest heartbreak being the pretense. I had to pretend like everything didn’t matter anymore. And I had to live with the burden of all the memories we made together.

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How do you go back to being strangers with someone who has seen your soul?

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You want closure from them. Sometimes, you want to confront them and ask them directly why they did that with you, leaving you in the midst of it all without a word. It all seemed perfect, didn't it? but now, you find yourself continuously thinking about them, reminiscing old memories.

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It still brings a smile on my face, but then, the bitter realization hits in the heart like tons of bricks that they left. They left even after knowing how much love you had to give, how much you cared about them. They knew you couldn't go a day without talking to them, sharing about your day, and still, they choose to walk away from you. 

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And you’re just left in the open to live with the agony of continually questioning your self worth, whether you were enough or not, living in the fear of letting new people in, and thinking of all the ways you could have made them stay. 

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But do you really need closure from someone who chooses to walk away from you despite knowing that you loved them? 

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The person who would love you, won't just choose to walk away without a word. They won't make you stay up till late night questioning your self-worth. They won't leave you to fight your battles alone. They won't leave. They would stay. Stay with you to make it all work, because they too can't go a day without talking to you, seeing you. 

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You are enough!

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A thousand times enough, you know. You were a vessel brimming with love and their palms were too small to hold you. They left because they wanted to and you deserve someone who chooses to stay. Let them be gone. Learn to move on without half-hearted apologies.

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I deserve more than someone who wouldn’t think twice to choose a life I’m not part of despite making promises.

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So as soon as that call ended, I realized I should have ended the call as soon as it started. Whatever they had to say shouldn’t matter. They had all these years to fill my wounded heart but they chose to watch me bleed. 

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I just have to learn to live with knowing that someone who once saw me for me, is out there seeing someone else for them. While I’m here, learning how to let someone else see me. Again.

Yours,

Adetutu❤️