INFINITY

The last few days of being nineteen.

Hey there,

I always wondered what Tagore meant by we cross infinity with every step and we meet eternity in every second. Reminiscing about what getting older feels like, this line from his poem made more sense. Every day we are changing, every day we are dying. Today is not tomorrow, what you are today might be the last of it. Tomorrow, you might be someone new. Maybe you learn to love who you are today in anticipation for who you’ll be tomorrow.

It’s the last few days of being a 19-year-old, of being that teenager. Am I excited? I don’t know. It doesn’t feel any different. I’m of the opinion that counting years, age, and all that is a social construct. Well, finding out that there are over 50 different types of calendars in the world backed up my thesis even more. I am not about to defend what I said. My chest is not giving the “I said what I said” confidence. If you want to argue, email me personally. 

My last few days is not preoccupied with anything special. I’m just waking up and being the typical medical student. I mean my classes or my life, in general, won’t pause because I’m transitioning.

Speaking of transition, one thing I’m elated about with this age change is I can finally admit to being an adult. Being 19, had me stuck in between being that teenager and being an adult. Some days I wake up and want to just whine “daddy” all day to get what I need and other days, I feel like taking charge and going ahead to get what I want. Either way, I was the most confused. 

Am I going to fully be in charge of my life now? NO! Because I’m going to be my daddy’s girl till someone comes into our house with his full chest to declare his intention to take me and if he meets up the full requirements. Then I can go ahead and claim that full charge, full voltage, whatever I decide.

The confusion of being 19 had me on several nights crying and wishing my life was different. I would not say because I was comparing my life to other people, I did though but the tears came on nights I wish I was my person more than I was then. I wished for a lot of things. I sought happiness amid confusion. Also, days I had shortcomings and I made mistakes I was entirely responsible for, I cried.

On a lot of other days, I laughed. I laughed uncontrollably till tears fell off my eyes. I laugh a lot but on some days, I would not stop laughing. I would cackle in and out, tapping on my laps and gasping for air as I laughed. Yesterday, I laughed so much at my friend saying she wanted to start a POS business. I wish I could break down what was funny, I would laugh even more and not give a good gist. But yeah I laughed.

And I loved. 

I spent 11 months of 12 of being 19 loving. I love a lot of people, I care for a lot of people but that special unexplainable feeling, that one person that is everything that everyone is not. I loved that one person even on days I didn’t love myself. I cared for this person even when I wasn’t sure if I cared for me enough. Love is a beautiful feeling, even more beautiful when you’re in love and being loved back. I was living the entirety of the beautiful moments because I loved and I was loved back. Love helps you create memories and these memories are what hurts when love hurts you. Love can hurt. 

These last few days, I am spending it in classes, reading and I can tell you, I’ll be in the wards too. Where would I be on the said date of transition? The wards.

What these few days I’ve presented me with has shown that I am going to do better with this adulting thing. I know I would complain because why not. But I know for a fact with everything I have been putting my mind on and trying out, I can tell that being a 20 year old will be soft.

If e no wan soft, we go press am, add water, boil am-—It must be soft! 

Say whatever, I’ll still send you one of these from Seychelles, maybe not soon but the vision is feasible for this year. The Tutu 2.0 energy.

To the friends I have in my life now, I want you forever. I have lost people, I have met people and those that are still in my life now, it shows y’all are the real MVPs and I don’t want to let you go. So if you people intend to leave me, I’ll force myself on you till you have no choice. LMAO!

I hope that on my birthday, I can do something special with you all. Maybe like just fly all my subscribers out. We’ll converge at the airport, go and ball in new Zealand for that day, and back. Money is all that is remaining. You have me, I have you and there’s an airport so… 

How am I celebrating my birthday?

In the wards. With my girls.

My special wish for my 20th birthday 

That I’m happy, confident, financially stable, and able to love again. 

And to the last days of being a teenager, I hope I make fewer mistakes and seek perfection less. I hope I make peace with the things I can’t change, accept them, and make them mine. I hope I turn the knobs of situations in the right direction and make them mine. I hope I learn to love, live, and learn. I hope to not just hope for all that I hope for. I hope to work towards its realization.

I hope to love you, even more, dear reader.

Till I write to you again, not as a teenager though.

Yours,

Adetutu❤️

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