Seven days a week, 24hours in a day, 60minutes in an hour, and 60seconds in a minute.
“What is this life?”
This is a very particular question that unconsciously and consciously runs through my mind a lot of times every day. I would be lying if I say I felt like posting this week. The week was all type of emotions put together but I just felt the need to not let y’all down but I might not be able to post next week because I am resuming back to school.
What triggered this post?
It’s like we are running in circles, chasing the same thing in gyrate, over and over.
I will never understand why life has to be this way. The uncertainty, the clumsiness, the confusion, and the unprecedented continuous decline in whatever this is.
Maybe because I’m currently at a point where I’m neither a child nor an adult(I don’t believe in that young adult thing).
It’s like you have your hopes high on a certain thing and everything just somehow comes crumbling down sending you back to the bottom of the ladder and you can’t even grunt for too long because you have to pick up your pieces from the foundation and start building again. Time is not something to play with at this point because one minute you are 19, the next you’re 24!
You’re expected to have you figured out to some extent when in reality, you’re not even sure of who’s at the wheel or where you are even headed. You are not even sure you are in a vehicle yet. I’m past half of medical school and sometimes I’m questioning if this is what I want or what am I gonna do when I’m done with medical school.
Yes I know it might be cliche for most people in medical school to be confused but hello, I don’t even know what I be doing. I just find myself learning how to save lives, understanding the importance of saving people’s lives and no one is talking about how I’m supposed to save myself because, in all reality, I might just be as lost as I don’t appear to be.
Other days, I wake up happy thinking today might be better than the previous day, and at the end of the day while journaling, I’m just exhausted, crying, and wondering what the hell? Why does it feel like I have achieved nothing today and I’m neither close to goals I set to be attained.
And then some days, you just wish you could take a break, reshuffle, and take this life thing from the start but then you can’t because somehow, you’re no longer the 12-year-old kid that looked up to their parents and could make mistakes without consequences. For every action in this phase, there’s a 100% reaction!
Adulthood is one hell of a scam because you take responsibility for even the littlest mistakes. No one to chastise you and show you through. You’re navigating through the dark and there’s pressure from everywhere to get your direction right. You hit your foot on a stone and fall and watch how everyone would have you as the topic of discussion as to why you messed up like that. When in the real sense, I’m only human! I’m allowed to make mistakes. I’m allowed to fall!
The ones judging are making their mistakes too. But it’s life, a life where everyone is falling and rising but only those who fall loud enough get judged.
This is a literal phase of trade. Something goes in exchange for another. Nothing comes for free. You give to take and if you’re not giving or taking, you’re just alone.
Maybe we all don’t know what we are doing.
We just be doing it because everyday is a chance to do something. Somethings we are unsure of, we just have to do something, we have to live today to live tomorrow.
The cycle to exist never gets better, everyday births a new thing. A new thing that makes us want to do something. It would be easier if we didn’t have to take responsibility, for doing things we don’t want to be doing.
Why do we have to live today to live tomorrow?
Why can’t I live today and get a clean slate tomorrow?? To live another day afresh. To be able to rest and rekindle my mind.
But the cycle to exist never gets better.
It’s whatever and what the fuck.
It’s just the “you never get to rest till your heart rests”. It’s not a lie after all. We just needed to grow up, become this fully fleshed adult with ark load of responsibilities, to understand what it meant.
It never gets easier, we don’t get tougher either. We just get more elastic and our brittleness wear out. Adulthood isn’t what they told us it was. It wasn’t the roses and champagne we saw as kids. It wasn’t the fine ass cars and houses, the exquisite dinners and outfits.
Adulthood comes with unbending demands accompanied with days you drag yourself through. It’s just us wanting more, getting more and wanting more. It’s the endless wants and sleepless nights. It’s what we never bargained for but it’s life. The life we didn’t choose!
The anxiety, the depression, the deep down pains we never get to speak to anyone about. What is the actual essence of this?
But one thing I have learned over the years is overthinking doesn’t help, neither does beating yourself up. It’s going to be fine.
Your worries, your heartbreaks, and your wounds will end and you’ll heal.
You’ll attain that goal in due course and somehow everything will start to make sense again.
It’s normal to have your low points on some days. Except you’re overdosing in ecstasy, every day can’t be balloons and high flying kites.
Life does work in mysterious ways, but bear in mind that you are going in the right direction and what seems like the end right now is just the beginning. The right path is what you are on and if it seems wrong, you’re allowed to make a turn and create another path. Giving up isn’t part of the plan.
There is no need to constantly stress yourself out over every little thing. It’s okay to break down sometimes and perfectly fine to cry when you feel like it but don’t dwell on that.
“Que sera sera” and there is nothing else you can do.
So relax!
Today might have your heart clutching on its wall and tomorrow too but what about next tomorrow? What if you give up today when tomorrow is the day it gets better?
Living in the moment is hard but every moment now becomes a memory later. Reliving a memory and wishing you lived the moment better might hurt a bit. So live just the way you intend to live. Fall, crash, get up, and continuing living.
Whatever you do critics gonna follow so you might as well live.
Lastly, I don’t have it all together either neither does Bill Gates or Patrick Soon Shiong
Honestly, no one does!
So just live!
You are not alone!
Breathe!
You are going to be as fine as you wish to be when the time is just right.
You are only human!
This is a piece of me to you.
Make sure to enjoy the coming week
See you in the next two weeks.
✌️❤️
My life... Nice work boo❤👌