I'm binge-watching this new series on Netflix “Sex/Life” and all I could say is moving on is as difficult as opposed to how it sounds.
If you read my last newsletter, if you haven't already click here, there's a paragraph there where I talked about what to do if you are ghosted and I said in caps to MOVE ON.
Everything from sex/life the series buttresses my already written down points on how difficult it is to move on. I'm trying not to bask this only on relationships and love affairs. So to be clear, moving on generally in life either from a broken friendship, relationship, losing a loved one to death, and moving far away from your family and friends.
You know I feel like everyone talks about moving on and everyone is keen about moving on. Everyone says “move on” when something bad happens, we say “let bygone be bygone” and keep preaching “move on”. Your relationship with someone crashes or you lose a job and the consolation message reads “move on” “pick up your life” and what not and not.
Nobody ever acknowledges the fact that moving on is a very difficult task. No one ever talks about how difficult it is to move on. I have a friend, a lover, or a family member and suddenly, they’re no longer a part of my life either I left them because they messed up or they left me or they died. Just us parting ways in no particular order. And everyone comes in and says “move on”.
Everyone elaborates on a thousand reasons why I have to move on from the situation and start a new life in their absence. I’m just typing this wondering why no one tells you that moving on is not just about words. It’s not just about waking up and deciding that you no longer want this person in your life.
It’s much more complex than that!
I’ve had times when I’ve had to move on from someone or situations that didn’t seem okay any longer. The one that broke me the most wasn’t even an exclusive relationship. It was more of a situationship. We liked each other, we were together but not together. We were an undefined thing.
After a while I realized, this would never be defined and we were just going to keep going forth and back on not being together. We had to stop seeing and stop talking and I’m not even making things up or trying to make things look worse than it was, it was the most terrible time.
My depression was at its peak and I can’t even deny how much of a negative impact that single person’s absence made in my life. I got super sad and I felt like a huge part of me was cut off. This was probably because I liked him a lot and we talked a lot. Like he was that “best friend” kind of guy.
I would wake up and think “why did he have to leave my life?”. “Why can’t he be a part of my life forever?”. All my friends told me, “move on” “he’s a piece of shit” “he’s not worth your tears” and all sort but no one was telling me the main truth about moving on.
Moving on is a herculean task.
Moving on is like climbing a ladder or crossing a bridge to move farther from a person. No matter how easy this sounds, the ladder or the bridge is not easy to go through with. People would tell you “delete them from your socials” “block their numbers” “avoid contact with them” “delete their pictures”.
But what about my brain?
What about the memories registered in my head?
I’m not a database, I don’t get formatted when I want. I can’t just clear data from my storage and it’s like it was never there. I’m no computer. I created person-to-person memories with this person and somehow my hippocampus holds strong on to it.
Memories hurt the most, Believe me.
Happy memories hurt the most!
It’s like you’re going about your day and you see a tray of food and it just reminds of them, of that day you were together and that person carried a tray of food. And then it just occurs to you that the person you’re thinking of is no longer a part of your life. You unconsciously just ruin your mood.
Maybe you’ve seen a thousand write-ups online about “ways to move on from someone” and they make it sound so easy but addressing this might not be an everyday thing, as of right now, my clear truth states the difficulty of the moving on task.
Memories linger and even if memories fade, memories are always there. It is uncontrollable. No matter how far up the “moving on ladder” you are, once a memory of them flashes in your head, you find yourself at the bottom of the ladder again, mind spent and emotionally exhausted at the repetitive disorderliness moving on seems to bring.
I don’t know but every single time I’ve had to move on from losing someone, some days I seem fine and they don’t seem to affect my well-being, and other days, they’re registered in my head and I can’t stop having obsessive thoughts about them. They’re everywhere in my mind.
I don’t know how people do it and they just move on from people and set aside memories you made together like it doesn’t count. Personally, for me, I can’t. I think that might be a reason why I’m close up about making friends and having partners because I hate to leave people behind or move on if I have to. It’s like an earth-shattering plan for me and for anyone else that feels the same way like I do.
You don’t just move on, it’s a kind of plan that not just psychologically messes with you but does physically, emotionally, and socially. Especially if the person was in your day in day out life before and then you just have to go about your day with them being absent and no one is talking about how difficult that is.
You know whenever someone says “you just have to move on”. I ultimately just say, “it’s not that easy, nothing about moving on is easy” no matter how trashy they treated you.
To be very honest, I don’t blame people that need rebounds to move on or people that need to have a plan B if plan A fails. But as easy as this sounds, it takes a lot of time to accept that a person is no longer actively a part of your life. Plot twist being whoever you are rebounding with might even remind you solely of them or even treat you worse than you were previously treated.
This might not apply to everyone but for every single time I’ve had to move on, it’s like a part of me got cut out. No matter how little the time we spent was or how bad they were in my life. Death makes it the most difficult because you never even get to have closure from their unwarranted absence.
The only thing I can say is at the end of the day, it’s worth it. Leaving something behind and forging ahead, more than half the time is always worth it. But we never actually move on. We just shade the white area, grey, and on days that it gets opened again, like a healing wound reopened, you feel the pain like it’s just happening all over.
The cycle goes on like that and that. We never really move on. We just shade them off and days we remember them, it might hurt, you might long for them but then depending on the place you are currently, either a better place or a worse place, you can either be happy or be sad but never hate yourself for not being able to help but think of them.
Neither should you ever feel guilty for thinking about them from time to time because you’re only human and it’s normal to feel and wish they turned out as you imagined.
In conclusion, based on the movie I’m seeing currently, Never jeopardize what you have at hand for someone who left you to “move on” from them. No matter how not good your current place maybe, A fire that burnt you will never be the fire that will heal you!.
***I honestly didn't edit this post neither did I put much effort into it because I'm currently indisposed but just had to drop my sickrole and make this post***
I hope you liked it and make sure to like, drop a comment and share.
Love,
Tutu❤️
This is some sort of closure for me. Thank you.
Couldn't have put it any better. Great piece