ONE SIZE DOESN’T FIT ALL

This is me, not you.

I almost changed my mind about posting this cos I was feeling naked but here y’all go. I hope you like it. *Winks.

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It probably felt like I was ghosting again but I have fast realized how I “recharge” when I’m “drained” and that’s by taking a total break(disappearing) from everything while leaving a small drill hole for my family and friends to reach out to me. As much as I feel overwhelmed and I want to “disappear”, my family has always been there and my friends, the best support system I could ever ask for. So that little space, I never forget to let them in.

I finally got a holiday from school after 7 months and I just spent the last 5 days, being in my bed, working out, eating, sleeping, and repeat. Allowing no distractions whatsoever. That’s a me thing I guess and that’s the best way I recharge after being drained. 

The last 7 months were not one of my favorites. Well, I will tell you why?. I was being a warrior and I was fighting physically, mentally, medically, and maybe emotionally.

Physically, I’ve added so much weight than I used to. I went from 58kg to 75kg within the last months and this I believe is just physiologic growth but at some point, I started to feel conscious of myself. My stomach got bigger and I can tell you I started hating myself on outfits. I would dress and undress like 50times.

Well, this was at the beginning, I soon outgrew all the clothes and I was forced to go with my available choices. And soon I would pass a mirror and feel like I was carrying the stomach of everyone. Comments from people do not often get to me because we are hardwired that way, to make comments.

But the “you’re not even that big but this your stomach sha”. Soon started getting to me and after one of my disappear for a while moments. I remember looking in the mirror and saying “I love this weight gain so much” and I was determined “NOT” to lose it. But the only thing I would shred a bit is my stomach. I started working out “for my belly alone” and seeing results now makes me happy.

I was almost guilt-tripped into body dysmorphia from comments but you know the best part of seeing yourself as who you are is realizing you love this person and whatever people say would be like breeze in your ear.

Mentally, I don’t even have to go into details. The fact that I had deadlines and exams every other day was just a lot of weight on my mental health. Suffering from PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder(PMDD) makes every week before your period is wartime. As much as I had to fight myself out of this hell hole, I’m doing medicine, and I have so much to do. 

Some days, as apathetic as I felt, I would still have to get up and go to the hospital and learn and act like I’m fine. It was so tough because I didn’t want to look like a sufferer to the world. It just didn’t sit well. So on days like this, I just pretend. Act it till you be it moments.

During one of my disappearing moments, I figured that since I have a regular cycle and I can tell when my period is a week away. I don’t have to fight to live, I have to live to fight. I wrote down a list of things that triggers me and makes my PMDD worse and I try to avoid doing these things, talking to these people, and using too much social media around this time and this helped and is still helping a lot.

Medically, I got diagnosed with a Sinus blockage which led to a sinus infection. I was down bad. My close friends knew how weighed down I was about the whole diagnosis. Not because it was deadly but because of the symptoms I had. Difficulty breathing, my nose was always blocked, and having to swallow constant smelly mucus. It was a war. 

I would chew gum all the time so my mouth doesn’t smell and so I could easily use my mouth to breathe. I avoided sleeping in public so no one would hear me snore or wake me up because snoring can be uncomfortable when you’re on the receiving end. It started to get tougher and tougher and then I met a doctor who said I might need surgery. Trying times started to get too much and I started to question “was I the only one in this life”. 

This led to me struggling emotionally. Because everything was happening all at once and it felt like I was getting beat up by life. I remember going for my CT scan and crying while I was being injected contrast. The lady looked at me and said “medical students don’t cry for injections o”. I wish I was crying for the injection. I was crying because I hated myself so much at that point.

I cried so much, had sleepless nights, and I would take sleeping pills so I could sleep. That one week was the longest of the 7 months but as a fighter, life can only happen to you, it can’t take you away. I soon realized my coping mechanisms and started to feed on my drugs like never before. 

Navigating through everything that was shone at me just made me realize I wasn’t giving myself enough credit for even living through it. From turning pain into power, chaos into peace, and wounds into wisdom. It made me realize I owe myself an apology for wanting to be regular or for hating me at any point. Or most importantly for wishing to be other people when I am Me.

Life isn’t one size fits all, Take what you need from it. As much as you hate where you are, someone still wishes to be there. I was so blinded by my negatives I was forgetting all the good things that were happening in my life. I was busy wishing not to be me when I had a lot of other good stuff I was turning my back to.

I learned soon that good and bad things are bound to happen in people’s lives. It’s a balance and when bad things happen, it’s one of the few ways we get to appreciate the good things even more. 

This is my life and there is your life. The same thing can’t work for us. Figuring out what would work for you is key. Don’t hesitate to dive into your life, heads first, navigating your way day by day. Doing what makes you happy, facing the storms with your pattens like you were made for it. 

I know I’m also still learning to act what I say, we are all learning to follow our own advice and that’s fine. Just remember that, To start is the hardest and your advice to yourself is the only right advice, even if you’re wrong. 

Thanks for reading.

Yours,

Adetutu ❤️