RECKLESS

I live today for tomorrow.

My first Monday in secondary school, I was in my class when the class teacher of another class sent for me. She was very furious when I got there. She threatened to have me flogged on the assembly ground. I was still unsure of my offense. Turned out, the previous night while I strayed around to get to know the classroom area, I met some other students(most likely students of that class) who were relatively bigger in body size than I was. They begged me to climb over their window and enter their class because their bag fell inside. It was pretty dark and honestly, I barely saw their faces. I DID NOT THINK. I agreed, climbed over and opened the door and strayed away.

This moment was one of the biggest moments of regret in my life and it was just because I didn’t weigh the situation or the outcome thereafter. I just did it.

The embarrassment I got that morning, a fresh Jss1 student who climbed over a window and now I have to explain my reasons and defend myself that I wasn’t the one that pooped in the class.

My reasons sound dumb right? Because honestly I don’t know the students but they knew me.

Reckless!

I’m a relatively reckless person. Asides the fact that I barely have half of my life figured out. I live everyday to deal with the consequences tomorrow.

I prefer it.

Hence, I’ve had so many “I DID NOT THINK” moments.

Even more, I love when I’m conscious while carrying out these decisions. I don’t like to refer to it as mistakes but these terrible spontaneity moments make up 60% of mistakes I’ve made in life.

I’ve been plenty sensible. I realized that the situations where I drew pros and cons and pondered about it for like months, drew out a plan mostly never worked out.

The ones I freestyle, I mean situations where I wake up, pack my bags and hopped on the next flight to Casablanca (if you like don’t believe), it always worked out fine. And when it did not, I could easily bounce back. That made me more reckless!

Growing up around people that always wanted us to being sensible. The whole education system is designed to breed sensible kids. The worse, the transition from junior secondary to senior secondary. That decision making, I hate the rigidity so much.

Every rule is somehow designed to build us in a way that there’s no “outside the box”. Just follow the script and have a life handed to you at the end.

As I got older, I started to realize how miserable that life is. I have everything figured out. Become a doctor, now what next? It became very predictable and boring and with every step closer to the “sensible future”, the realization of how messed up I am becomes clearer.

In between, I decided to be reckless.

I started doing the things I’m most afraid to do. I would sign up for an online class I literally know nothing about because why not? What’s the point of living without moments of “What’s this nonsense?” because I’m finally doing the things I thought I would never do.

I texted a guy I liked first and expressed myself first. This was one of the most “I did not use my head” moments because I never thought about it beforehand. Saw a picture and DM’d without THINKING. Well, he was just picture perfect. I should add this to a compilation of my “mistakes”.

I went swimming. I’m hydrophobic and I’m as worse as it gets. But I went swimming and I almost drowned but that was the thrill of the moment. That moment when I realized, “Tutu this was a terrible terrible decision”. The moment when my life flashed before me, yeah that moment.

I cut my hair. This was the most spontaneous decision I ever made. Knowing fully well this would affect how people would see me day in day out. But I took the juggle. And again, the beauty of spontaneity and the regrets after.

I jumped through a window to rescue someone without prior thinking. I sustained injuries. Took weeks to heal. This was one of the moments where I felt fulfilled with my recklessness. I knew the injury was going to leave a lasting scar but the joy of saving a life.

I called someone I vowed never to call again. It was a spur of the moment. I wanted to know how they were doing. No proper reasoning. I just called. My call was declined but at least I did. That is what is important. The ability to do one or two things without thinking.

I’ve had so many reckless moments, a lot I can’t share. But I never hold myself back from doing the things that seemingly have consequences just because I’m worried that I might not be able to deal with it.

I’m young, I’m not supposed to have all the answers. All the moments of “calculations” have left me in misery.

It took me two years to fall in love with someone, because I wanted it to be perfect, I did not want to make mistakes. Inserts clown face*.

I took months to decide what color I wanted to paint my room. I rescheduled with the painter like 5 times because I did not want to make a mistake with the color. I bought a color palette and looked through it day in day out. I ended up picking a color that I did not like. Inserts clown face, again*.

The fear to do things you’re unsure about, like getting that haircut, or buying that dress, or falling in love with that person, or bungee jumping, or joining a group. The inability to say yes to things unless you know for sure what the experience would be like.

The fun lies in the unpredictability and the lessons are in all the experiences that didn’t work out. If you do only things you’re sure of, chances are, you won’t learn anything. Life isn’t black or white, so even the things you’re most sure of might not go the way you hope.

This is not a post I expect everyone to resonate with, I’m aware that there are people who are designated to live only in their sensibilities and calculations and will never be reckless.

But if you’re in between, this is your wake up call.

Knowing that I’m also learning that I don’t need to have everything figured out. It’s all about finding balance and a little fun here and there, won’t hurt or it might. One thing is certain, as long as you’re alive, you’ll bounce back.

Humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.

Life is meant to be lived not controlled.

Yours,

Adetutu❤️