RUMBLES

a quick mind tour

Everyone said i should get out of my head

but that’s my favorite place to be

its chaotic but beautiful.

So many doors in my head

thoughts get losts and memories are missing

no way to open.

I go from being who i want to who I’m not

but every character counts

as full as it seems, there’s more.

I start wondering where i went wrong

wrong with choosing myself?

or maybe with choosing someone else.

Why does it never feel right?

there’s always a fog

nothing is ever clear in between.

I want to sit me down and have a conversation

but how do i tell the culprit what they did

they know, nothing new, just repetition.

There’s a thirst for the person i am in my head

nothing can quench it and i like that

you know the “hate that i love you” line

that’s me and myself. 

I like who i am when my world rumbles

the beauty of life’s reverberations

the rumbles are loudest when its quiet

it’s barely ever quiet but when it does

i like. I like when i can hear the cracks

the cracks remind me that my world is not perfect

that in a life that everyone has a path

my path is crooked and it is fine.

I’ve watch myself go from broken to healed and back

the intervals between this period is tough

i mean hell, i spoke too soon

its a constant tug and tug.

Even though I do not know how much

how much more of this I can take

i made it this far and that’s all that matters

a proof that in the worst of it all

living is not impossible and hope works.

I constantly want what you have 

the ability to scream your lungs out in happiness 

and dance away your sorrows like no tomorrow

do I sound greedy?

you think i don’t like the best things of life too?

but I can’t. Because I’m in a phase.

Always.

“There’s always something” 

you wouldn’t believe if i told you who used the phrase

but again my world rumbles and I hear it

i’m forced to listen to every sound of it

like i said, hearing the cracks is my reality check

the one way i can remind myself that there’s pain.

My pain memory is often short-lived

or maybe I choose to forget as soon as i can

of what point is keeping such?

But on nights when it’s quiet 

i am reminded of my every imperfections

and of the days when I didn’t want life.

In my world where my quiet isn’t silent

its full with unspoken words and emotions

an awkward of madness and tangled scars

a broken soul with it’s missing pieces

one that feels nothing but feels everything.

Tonight, its loud. 

i can’t hear any rumbles.

I only hear the sound of the splash of rain 

as it splatters on the concrete

oh, and the sound of the thunder.

Loud. Very loud.

My music player is on and its loud too.

Loud. Very loud.

i’m listening to this playlist i made

i made it when i felt the most loved

when my heart was green and my world colorful

a chance to remind myself of what i use to be

a reminder that there’s an upside

so tonight there won’t be rumbles.

Its just going to be you, reading this

reading what it feels like to be me

while I wonder what it feels like to be you.

Yours,

Adetutu❤️