THE BLURRED LIGHTS
I don’t have a clear memory of the times before I started wearing a prescription glasses because I was 6. But I remember clearly the words of the doctor “This will help you see better and correct your eyes and it’s just for a few months”. I think I should throw a tantrum to accepting the lie at the end of that statement because it’s been over 13years(so much for a few months).
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We might as well just act like I didn’t disappear for two weeks and cut straight to today’s piece. I’ve been everywhere literally and the last week, I don’t know who I have been. Not the writer y’all signed up for. I’ve been battling with finding a shark in the water I tested.
Resuming back to school has left me on a race between time and time and my head has been everywhere. I’ve not had time to ruminate about anything. My entire thoughts have been on hold and I have been struggling with catching up.
It would surprise you that it’s just week two and I am all messed up and ranting this much but it’s what med school would do to you. But I’m still the badass-ly me in charge by the way.
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The first time I wore glasses. The entire world was so clear and everything was so vivid. The blurred lines became distinct and I could see every angle of everyone’s faces. As a kid, I would wear my glasses every second just so I don’t miss a bit of anything at all. I love to see even the littlest dots on a board.
The story isn’t entirely different now but sometimes I prefer to take my glasses off and wallow in ignorance of not knowing what’s going on around me. It is easier to let go of yourself and choose not to see anything at all but it’s even better to know some things appear more beautiful due to your inability to see them.
Blurred lights they say shine brighter.
I am an overthinker. I overanalyze every situation and I am constantly battling my insecurities.
What am I insecure about?
Everything.
I am a walking bumbling bag of insecurities.
I hate talking just because I am so insecure about my voice. I totally could pull a nice podcast or even a YouTube channel but I’m insecure about my voice and my face and I just can’t because I’m nervous that people wouldn’t want to hear me.
You would question if that is all but it’s the first of many.
I am constantly wondering,
“How good is my relationship with this person?”
“How does this person see me?”
“Am I doing enough academically?”
“Isn’t these glasses making me look like a clown?”
“Would my opinion on this matter be of help?”
“Do I walk funnily?”
“Is my stomach protruding a bit too much?”
“Am I inconveniencing anyone with my breathing?”
The last one is an exaggeration but the penultimate, anyone might easily think maybe I have a bit of body dysmorphia but I don’t. I’m just insecure and I just wish to be perfect.
I’m constantly dreaming of perfection whilst forgetting it’s an illusion and our imagination is nothing but a mirage that never meets reality.
My decision to want to have everything in my control is mentally draining and I’m always left with the constant analysis of every decision I have ever made. I wake up on a good day with an exhaustion of the imperfection from the previous day and then the questions come in and seep me of my joy for the new day.
The glasses that grant me the opportunity to view more clearly expanded into these rigid lenses I metaphorically view the world with. There are moments where with my eyes closed, I am begging the world to slow down.
It is very important to accept the world’s vagueness, see the beauty in the blurred lights. Allow yourself to enjoy specific moments rather than dwell on every consequence or every reason. There are times to ask questions, however, isn’t it better to just not ask sometimes?
Details make things messy. Seeing the depth of situations makes it become a memory, which can hurt.
Ignorance is beautiful and could be bliss.
As contradictory as that may sound when you think about when you didn’t know so much about something and how much of your knowledge about it now, you’d realize how convenient it was not knowing about that thing. The realization of how perfection is unattainable just hits you over and over.
Wearing glasses doesn’t leave me an option to choose what I want to see and don’t want to. Everything comes in details and bits. On the contrary, we should be able to filter what goes into our minds and our interpretation of it. We should be able to decipher what is necessary to know and what not.
We can’t stop ourselves from growing up or experiencing pain. We cannot stop the world from rotating or choose to live a simple hurt-free life. The world has always been complicated, actions do not have deliberate cause and our decisions don’t lead us to that perfect end we hope for.
Where the glasses, as well as age, allowed me to see the horrors that are supposed to be out of focus. Letting go of the minuscule tidbits that can ruin your perception of what matters in life might allow for some blissful ignorance.
At the end day, you’ll realize that choosing to see some things and not to see some things might make life just a teeny weeny easier. Ignoring people’s thoughts of you and living your life without paying attention to critics is one way to live easier.
The twinkle lights have always been beautiful. They just need to be blurred in your vision for you to see the beauty of it. And then you will realize, the moment you choose to blur out some things from your sight, life becomes more beautiful and you’ll let it become your total way of life.
HAPPY NEW MONTHHH❤️🎉
Thank you so much for reading today’s piece. I hope you enjoyed this. Make sure to leave me a comment and also like and share.
Yours,
Adetutu❤️