THE CYCLE
a monthly battle to live.
“Don’t let the tall weeds cast a shadow on your beautiful flowers, bloom baby bloom”
Every month, I want to end it all or disappear from the world.
I’m not suicidal, and neither do I wish to not fuel my social interaction. Even more unbelievable, this urge is not my doing. It’s the cycle.
I should have titled this “girls' corner” but I need everyone to know what it feels like and what we undauntedly go through every month.
I first got my diagnosis of PMDD(Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder) in 2020 and that was when I started paying more attention to myself and my cycle and everything I feel. I realized the diagnosis wasn’t wrong.
At first, I was dedicated to taking my drugs, pain relievers, and antidepressants. After a while, I had to get off antidepressants and it felt more real. I realized every single month was going to be a battle, fighting for my life.
What exactly am I talking about?
This is not a general thing. But it’s commoner than you think. During our monthly Menstrual cycle, we have a 1week/2 weeks before the period phase where nothing makes sense. I’ll explain, relax.
Personally, Asides the other obvious little not little pre-Menstrual syndromes like swollen breast, backache, acne, abdominal pain, and Sugary cravings. I start to feel very down (I don’t want to call it depression but that’s what it is), and I start to have intrusive thoughts(like self-harming or even suicide).
I just want to disappear from the world, delete all my social media, and make myself unreachable. I start to question all the things in my life, even worse I only highlight the bad things and I keep wallowing in this 100 degrees of sadness till it burns and I start to cry.
I become very unproductive, unable to study, I’m just lying in my bed, numb and feeling like life is not worth living. I take breaks in between classes to cry in the toilet and the highlight of this is, most times I have no reason. I’m just SAD!
Uncontrollable gloom!
I’m unable to sleep and I’m anxious, I even start questioning if I’m pregnant, Fgs! Lmao. Pregnancy? This part leaves me laughing every time cos I mean Tutu, why are you scared of being pregnant???? We’re not even in the position to be scared of that, Lmao! But this anxiety gets even worse(worser) when I’m stressed out and my period is late. Now tell me why I’m staying up at night wondering why my period is late when I know very well I’ve been heavily stressed this month. Sigh!
My anxiety makes me extremely worried about my family and friends and I’m calling every minute to be sure everyone is fine and somehow I’m getting a feeling that something wants to happen when nothing, nothing is happening or going to happen.
I either eat too little or eat too much. Well, when I eat too little is always better because when I eat too much, I become very nauseous and I just want to vomit everything out. I’m drinking more water to suppress this and this leaves me going in and out of the bathroom every second.
I become very self-conscious and I start to tell myself “Nobody likes you”. Bold of me to assume this every month with the loving people I have in my lifeeeee!
As soon as my period comes, I mean like 12 hours after, I’m in a better mood. At first, I was unable to feel that I’m in a better mood because of the cramps that come with the period. But tracking these events monthly, I realized how drastic my mood changes and I’m just laughing at every meme on the internet.
This is not just “My experience”. A lot of other women go through this every month, maybe not all of these, but majority of us experience what we tag as “the period sadness” and then a percentage might experience this extreme feeling I just described up there.
So needless to doubt, every month comes with the urge to “end it all” or “disappear” and this makes no sense because I don’t want to. And when I’m finally in a better mood and I start to read my little scribbles from those moments, I’m asking myself if I’m crazy cos no way I was questioning my place in people’s lives.
There’s a medical description for all of these but I will put it simply, it’s the hormones and easily people that take Combined Oral Contraceptives which helps suppress the action of these hormones can pass on this but I hate the side effects of these contraceptives so I rather not.
The last few days, I’ve been in that space.
Everything has led me to want to cry. From going through my class group chat and seeing my exam timetable for the next few weeks and what every lecturer had to say. And hearing that a friend lost her dad. Everything made me cry.
I literally walked under the rain while crying till I got to where I wanted to study, I cried for about 30 minutes before calling this person to tell him I’d been crying and he goes “it’s that time of the month” and yeah I figured it was truly that time of the month because it made no sense that I was crying for no reason. Or maybe I was crying so much because the shop I buy snacks wasn’t opened.
Every month is different from the last and in as much as some times, it might not be as worse, other times it can be really debilitating.
I’m not ending this with a solution actually. This is a rant post and it’s to make anyone in my situation know that they’re not alone. If I honestly had a solution of how not to go through this every month, I’d share.
I have read a lot of articles, blog posts and even so much more on how to live with PMDD and none of it ever works because when that time comes, nothing literally makes sense, not even the solutions I think I’ve read and mastered.
It’s a personal experience only you can maneuver your way through but most importantly letting it not eat you up. I mean, winning the battle every month is the goal. Making sure the tall weeds don’t cast a shadow on your beautiful flowers huh.
Personally, I’ve learned to just go through it and tell myself “Tutu it’s the hormones, it’s not real. Nobody hates you and your life is good”.
And for times I forget it’s the hormones, I am very good at telling my friends how sad I feel without hesitation. I’m sorry guys for always dumping these things on you every time knowing fully well “We’re all going through a lot”.
So if you’re in my shoes and you’re constantly feeling like “ending it all” or “harming yourself”, please don’t. It’s a temporary feeling and all the sadness you feel doesn’t exist, it’s the Cycle, not you.
I could have written something more comprehensive but I just wanted to briefly share this because it’s “at the moment”. Maybe sometimes I’d go into more fine-tuned details of these.
But for now, I hope you enjoy this post. Thank you for reading. Have a lovely weekend.
Yours,
Adetutu ❤️
❤️🥺
🫂🫂