THE GRAINS OF SAND

Maybe happiness is just a theory

"Without rain, nothing grows. So learn to embrace the storms of your life."

There are so many things stuck in my head but one of the plenty things is the content of Tami’s suicide letter. It says,

“When you read this, it’s probably too late. Too late for me to find happiness. Too late to keep chasing the shadows that tomorrow will make me happier than yesterday. Above all, I tried, I fought but I couldn’t find the will to keep going. I fought a mind that fought to be happy. And I lost”

Today I’m not talking about Tami. I’m talking about me like I always do. 

Happiness comes with a price they said.

But I don’t know what the price is yet. 

There’s always something equivalent to something.

I spent the majority of last year disrupting my routine of things to constantly chase "the next best thing", last year I lived in more mindsets than I can count on one hand, had to rotate a lot of activities in pursuit of “the next best thing”. I threw away an immense amount of money to purchase things, thinking that would be the basis of happiness, and I became so immensely unsatisfied with every change within a week of making the change.

One of the things I learned while chasing “the next best thing", is that it's non-existent. You can't chase the greater things in life, because realistically you have to be the one constant in your life to make the things you think are greater, greater. 

Now don't get me wrong, I will forever be the girl who likes to spice up things, adapt and embrace the changes that I endure along my pathway. But, I ended up embracing everything, except my happiness. 

The most crucial mindset I have is that happiness is only going to come from within. I came across a quote that placed perspective on my situation. 

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn, or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every moment with grace, gratitude, and love". 

I spent a lot of my time pretending to be happy. Engulfing myself in a pretense of getting happiness from new experiences, new events, new relationships, and what my "next best thing was".

Along the way, there was an immense amount of support and love, until one decision I made baffled everyone, and it became a toxic situation. Maybe not to everyone but the quick spin to bring out the reality of who I truly was and what I was truly going through might not have been expected.

Living like every day was a chore. Putting my alter ego to face the world and win the battles for me. Making everyone doubt if I had moments I questioned my life when in the real sense I was living to find answers to these questions.

What exactly is the purpose of life?

What exactly makes me happy?

What is happiness as a word and as an act?

Maybe happiness is just a theory. Who knows?

I shared a bit of my experience with PMDD with someone two days ago, I reflected on it after, and realizing not so many people have moments in a month where there is no reason for them to be happy made me question myself even more.

I might not have an exact qualification for happiness asides from it being an illusion and it’s just one of the few things we as humans have conjured together to name a feeling that is not sad. It’s an element that comes from within.

Also, While I learned happiness comes from within, I learned happiness doesn't come from sharing everything with everybody. While I'm positive there will be times where I share some things, at this moment nobody needs to know, what I’m up to, my mental status, how school is, my relationship status, and or my next chapter.

And even if I am not sure of what the word means or what the phrase “to be happy” stands for. I am sure as at the time I write this that I am not the opposite of what it does stands for.

I know there are societal representations of happiness. From getting the degree to marrying your best friend to getting the job of your dreams, to making a fat paycheck, or even to doing the basic things that give you pleasure.

Maybe I am breaking out of these representations and saying as long as I am not sad and wishing my life would end as soon as the day ends and I get to drop the deception of happiness I have put on all day. I am just simply happy.

I'm paving my roads to success, making decisions on my terms, believing in what I'm praying for, and trusting the process that everything will happen when it happens. Outside of this, there’s too much pressure on my soul to ignite the fire of happiness, that I don’t believe in. The little things might just be the charcoal to my fire.

I'm nowhere near achieving every goal, dream, and aspiration I want, but more than satisfied with what I have, and where I'm heading and that's all that matters presently. I'm right where I need to be. 

When I look back on the bumpy roads, and unsettling situations I put myself into last year, I realized how I needed to experience all of it, to cherish now, put in place my goals, know what I want, where I want to live, and what I want to do. Those hour-long calls with friends and family placed perspective on it all. 

It is not always about seeing the scenery from the top of the mountains, sometimes it's about seeing the scenery from each step you take prior to reaching the top. 

I am truly blessed beyond measure, grateful for current opportunities, at peace with my life, forever humble for being to experience the ups and downs, and in simpler terms, immensely happier than ever. 

At the end of the day, the mountain I was climbing was really just a grain of sand.

And Tami was wrong, she didn’t have to chase, find or fight for happiness. She had it, within her. She just needed to see it. 

But then,

it’s too late.