I’m listening to “Always, I’ll Care” by Jeremy Zucker at 1 am while trying to complete my assignments due in the morning. I don’t know if it’s the song effect or just me getting in my feels because it’s so late.
But I miss my brothers.
I miss a life where we wake up in the morning, talk to each other, fight each other and go about our day together and then still come back together at night to figure out what to eat together and still argue till we agree before ending the day.
The cycle I painted up here used to be my life before the growing-up syndrome. “Life happens” is one of the commonest things you will hear me say but with my brothers, life did happen. Life left us trying to figure our future out in separation.
Some days I wonder, “when will I get to live that life with my brothers again?” And the answer is always the same. The answer that breaks my heart in the real sense.
“We are all grown”
I used to be the baby of the house everyone wanted to satisfy but have you seen my brothers dote upon me? They always treated me like a princess, made me feel loved, and always strive to satisfy my every craving. Well, that hasn’t changed, but not physically anymore.
I miss running into my brother’s rooms just to stick my tongue out or to fall a pen down and run away. I almost rendered them clothless by turning every piece of their clothes to mine.
I miss the days I couldn’t cook properly and my brothers would eat whatever “saw-dust” I prepare, with disgust inward and love outward.
I miss listening to my brothers compose songs or watch them play video games. I miss watching shows with them while sitting on the floor with a plate of rice and Mirinda.
As much as I hated Saturday chores. I miss cleaning the entire house and its surrounding with my brothers. I miss making paper money with my immediate brother.
The mischievousness!!! Omg. My brothers and I were mischievous. We’ve kept each other’s secrets so well from my parents and defended each other to whatever point necessary.
I’ve seen how much they could love me and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Reminiscing about how they always cared for me every single time I fell ill or at moments I wasn’t enough to lift myself from my bosom of sadness. They were and still are my biggest support system.
I love my brothers so much while I was little and whenever I was asked what I wanted to become, I would say “a secretary to my brothers”. I wouldn’t mind carrying their bag for them, right.
I miss everything and everything about my brothers.
The totality and completion they brought into my life while we all stayed under the same roof at the same time is an exuding bliss.
As much as no one prepared us for now and no one is going to prepare us for days when our bones will crackle and our backs will bend and as much as I am wishing we could be in the 4th stage of growth for longer time, I am also wishing to grow up.
The cells don’t stop replicating and growth is not inhibitory. One year we are two and the next we are twenty two. It’s the inevitable cycle.
Growing up is necessary but it hurts. It’s like I want to be my brother’s little sister that we run around the house together forever but we are grown.
One of my brothers is up North and the other is far away somewhere in the middle of life.
I am here.
Somewhere in between my goosebumps and tears from writing this.
If you just read this and you still get to spend quality time with your siblings, do so with all open-heartedness and ravish the moments. These moments are what you’ll be left with soon enough.
Because Life will always happen.
The growing-up syndrome's biggest symptom is the void from separation. A void nothing can fill. And since life can’t be lived backward, you’re forced to accept that New Normal.
Thank you for reading this piece. I hope you liked it. Till I am able to communicate with you again,
I love you 🥰.