THE HEART TALE

Situationships and FWB

I have made bad decisions, I have made terrible ones especially when it comes to heart matters. I have done things I am not entirely proud of (I’m still doing some though). But I think one of the biggest mess up I have ever set myself up for is being in situationships.

It’s the fact that there is an ‘s’ at the back of the situationship but okay, Lol. I have gotten in a couple of messed up undefined ships and I was able to ask some of my friends too how it ended and funny how we all had the same answer. It ended in “Premium heavy tears”. For every single one of us, it all ended badly. For some, it had no bad tone it just ended fairly while for some it ended terribly. 

This is the point I am supposed to define what situationship means or maybe the FWB(Friends With Benefits). The way these particular terms have no figurable definitions, exactly how a literal definition for it is difficult. I’ll just give a vague description so you can have an idea of what I am referring to.

Situationship is like when you and another person like (often time claim to love) each other but you’re not exclusively together. You’re not friends but you’re not lovers. It’s the midline between a proper relationship and a platonic friendship. With no commitments, norms, and expectations. Friends with benefits are sexual attraction without romantic connections. Simply put, a constant booty call but as friends. 

Oftentimes, what leads to a situationship is when you start feeling each other while still in the talking phase and there’s a seemingly strong connection and the vibe is lit. Then there’s a conviction or restriction not to take things further beyond that point neither the acceptance to go back to what you were before.

Sometimes there are concrete reasons not to want to take things further (more like defining what is being done). Other times they are just abstract reasons created by either party. Overall no matter the reasons, leaving what both parties are doing undefined makes it harder on both of them, and most oftentimes, the reasons do not make any sense or even exist. 

Have I been in situationships?

Yes.

Did it end well?

Not exactly.

Would I involve myself in such again?

Not again.

Why??

Before I state my reasons, I’ll share a bit of my situationship experience. I met someone. We got talking, day and night, and then I started feeling this person since our energy matched and for every topic, we decide to converse about, we both always had things to talk about. We would have midnight calls. I would like to say any midnight call that is not a business call is the basis of catching feelings.

Well, I caught it. I don’t know if he did but he said he did but I didn’t tell him how I was feeling at the time. I just called him more often, texted more often, and since he was reciprocating the energy. I assumed it was a green light! Since I saw the green light, wasn’t that when I was supposed to move my vehicle and ask for a definition? But no. I felt that at the moment, asking for a definition was lame and maybe a part of me was scared that I would not get the answer I wanted. So I’d rather settle for whatever I was getting.

Settling for whatever I was getting was a bad decision. It ended up crashing down my face after a long time of “let’s see how it goes”. It goes nowhere o. It didn’t goes anywhere. After several months of stringing along, he found someone he wanted to be with and I was still strung along(my side chick chronicles). It later had to end because I came to my senses(the senses I lost before!).

The things I felt at the time are reasons why I don’t find myself settling for a situationship again.

Having undefined relationships with someone could be liberating but the cons of it are more than the perks. Oftentimes, because one of you ends up catching feelings after probably hooking up, you would want to settle, and then it might lead to being FWB. Sexual intimacy with someone you talk to every day will never be casual to me. 

Living in denial and using the terms, “we just hooked up” in a bit to convince yourself that it’s nothing serious makes it even funnier. Physiological reactions and bonding hormones that get released during sexual activities prove otherwise. Someone you converse with every day and then “hook up” with. Feelings will explode. The explosion is what leads to all the negative feelings of being in an undefined relationship.

In a situationship, there’s already a lack of obvious expectations, sharing things that you feel uncomfortable with or even the barest minimum discomfort placed on you by this person or by any other thing, in general, is tough. You’re in the cluster of hope unsure if this person will see and be there for you as much as you want when you share these things with them.

Emotional vulnerability and exploitation on your part and by the other person is something I can never submit myself for again. Everything you feel at that moment is valid but rendered invalid because you don’t even know where you stand. Constant daydreaming that the person will match up with the picture of what you want them to be that you’ve painted in your head will make you vulnerable and also second-guessing yourself. The person can use these “vulnerabilities” to lock and unlock your mood, hence exploitation.

The anxiety and resentments that come from not completely being honest with yourself and maybe people around you. Your friends might ask you what is going on with this person and you start to stutter. (That stuttering and defending are what I don’t want for myself again). It’s like you say “we’re just friends” but you are having sexual relations and midnight conversations. And then you’re trying to defend yourself to your friends that you’re in control and what you’re doing is sensible.

Nothing is ever crystal clear. The ambiguity of everything is something you can’t complain about either. You’re living in darkness during broad daylight. A million questions running in your head but you can’t voice it out before you appear too needy. You cannot show too much care either because you’ll appear too clingy. Everything must be as minimal as possible. You’re walking on eggshells with someone you claim to be fancying.

Relationships without commitments will never make sense because of the lack of exclusivity, they can get with anybody they want to at the expense of how you’ll end up feeling. A big con, you can not complain or voice out your disapproval. So you’ll swallow all the “mgnbgnm mgnbgnm” you are feeling before they go and remind you that “but we are not together”. Your uncompensated for hurt feelings will leave you crying at night or even exhausted for settling for less.

A long-term situationship will always lead to a loss of self-esteem. You settled for less than you deserved. You start to see yourself less and feel like maybe no one else would want you and the only person that appears to want you wants to keep things simple. The self-doubt and low self-esteem might even start to pan down to significant areas of your life.

The only positive thing I got from being in a situationship is the prioritization of myself and my life in general because you’re not expected to commit to anyone neither explain decisions you take and why you have taken it to anyone. This was in my case though, the dynamics of situationships differ from person to person because some people would infiltrate every area of your life without committing to you.

I want to end this piece with “With these few points of mine, I hope I’ve been able to convince you and not confuse you that you can never catch me in an undefined ship again, Thank you and God bless”.

I’m really cracking myself up.

LMAO.

Jokes apart, being in an unambiguous relationship is very important. It saves you a lot of mental stress. Learn to ask questions as simple as “What do you want from me?” “What are we doing?” “What is your motive towards me?”. These questions help to set boundaries and draw the lines when and where important. 

A stitch in time saves nine. 

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Yours, 

Tutu❤️