THE LAST 24HOURS
Among other things; crying is therapeutic.
One would think I’m having the best of times with all the holidays I’ve had in the last couple of days but on the contrary, I have plummeted more than I ever have.
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This is a “do not exit my notes” post but why not?
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In the last 24 hours, I have cried 4 times, maybe 5 with the one that I’m probably going to burst into before I finish making this post.
The why I cried? Oh God, No! I have no answers. It’s just a moment of weakness. I just caught myself slipping and I just let myself go.
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I hate crying because of my sinus. One round of tears and my nose won’t go dry for another two weeks(not like it’s ever dry).
But I realize the sleep that comes after my tears are the best. Deep, at peace, and with no emotions. I’m just there with my empty skull since I’ve voluntarily let out all the fluid in it.
My mum said I didn’t cry at birth, I wasn’t developed enough to initiate a cry. But then she added, “when you finally started crying, you would cry everytime.”
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I can’t disagree with my mum because I cry at everything. I’m happy, I’ll cry. I’m sad, I’ll cry. I’m hungry, I’ll cry. I’m angry, I’ll cry. I don’t understand something, I’ll cry. I’m tired, I’ll cry. I would have said my love language is crying because the moment I realize I’m slipping away for someone, I would cry.
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Let me explain my crying for love before I go on. I cry when I genuinely like people because I hate people leaving my life. The moment I let you in and I start to see reasons here and there as to why you might leave later on, I would cry. It’s like dying before death. I’m crying because I can feel the extent of the heartbreak the person’s absence would leave me with.
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Today I cried. Not for love or food or anger or tiredness. I cried because I needed to cry. I was tired of being strong for so long. I’ve not cried in a while. I guess my glands were full and needed some emptying. But that’s not just why.
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I cried because nothing was making sense in my life right now. I like to be in control. I like when I’m in charge and I know the hell i’m doing but in the last 24 hours, I’ve done a reevaluation and nothing made sense.
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Not my living space, not my reading plan, not my dieting, not my life. Everything felt so yellow and I didn’t know what to do. I think the tank got full when I needed to make a purchase for something I needed and I couldn’t get it. I bought a terrible product instead which I realized after, could not do the job.
I thought, “Tutu it’s just a product, don’t take it too seriously”.
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I listened to this professor go on and on about things to do, to do well in clinical exams and all sorts and that just made the tank over pour. I ended the day there and that led to my series of crying.
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I would cry, stop halfway and ask “but why are you crying now?”. I wanted to blame PMDD but this one time I decided to own up and just accept it. I need to cry. Let out the tears without thinking it’s one of my depressive episodes.
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I'm afraid that i'm becoming a stranger to my own self. I feel like i don't deserve anyone's love and that every bad thing taking place in my life is just my fault. I’m a mirage of mess ups. I build things only to crumble them. I live in denial that my grief don’t matter and I just carry the hate of everyone who’s ever hurt me in my heart. What burden!
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It's okay that I am not okay all the time. I don't need to pretend that everything is fine when it's not. I sometimes feel all these emotions and I work through them in an unhealthy way. I constantly feel like I’m too much or too needy or too emotional. But maybe I’m simply a human being who is going through a difficult time, and that's okay.
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Okay now I’m crying.
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I’m crying now because I’m wondering, “why always me?” It certainly feels like I never do anything right and I’m just an embodiment of mistakes. It’s like when I open my mouth, I spout the wrong things and I constantly feel like people look at me and wonder, “Why does she talk like this?”
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I hate to look in the mirror because I feel like I’m changing. I had this terrible acne that led me to getting a soap for my face. The soap has changed a lot in my face and now I’m not sure if I like what I see when I look in the mirror. Self love? Oh I don’t hate myself just yet.
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I told someone that I'm so used to bad things happening and that when I finally experience a good thing, I’m worried, especially if the good things come in order. I get double mind as to why it is happening.
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I’m not sure if some of us are bound to experience the downsides of life but with me, it’s the norm. I don’t find solutions to a lot of my problems anymore because I'm worried that when I solve it, another one would spring.
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And detachment, it has become a norm. It’s like I'm the one meant to accommodate every temporary person. I’m broken, I run into even more broken people. Maybe because I see a reflection of my soul in them or maybe my misery loves company. So I ask when they leave, how am I supposed to feel?
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So when I say I don’t know why I cried so much in the last 24 hours. Maybe I do know the whys but I think my why’s do not make any sense. And I am kinda invalidating these weird things I think about.
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So I would just let myself cry because among other things and all the strange undefined feelings, crying is therapeutic. It’s a way of letting out my sadness. And letting in my peace. Because after I cry myself to tiredness. I feel empty. Maybe I should just cry more to lose some weight.
Yours,
Adetutu❤️