THE LOVE SOBRIETY

Excerpt of a drunk lover.

I guess this is goodbye.

I feared saying this goodbye so much. Much more than I feared losing myself to loving you. This goodbye was why I never wanted to give love a chance.

I was scared because I knew it was easy for me to love you more than I loved myself. I knew how I looked at you and this made me more scared.

Everyone told me it was just love and it would not hurt to give it a try.

A shot does not get you intoxicated they said.

.

But I got drunk. Drunk in love with you and now that everything is gone and I’m sober, the hangover is more than just a headache. My heart aches as well.

Without you, I’m a mess.

Your absence has left a vacuum nothing can fill. Not food, Not care, Not attention.

Nothing can fill the void you have left me with.

Love with you was perfect. Like an interlocking circle, we fit so well. You were probably made to complement me.

You gave me chills on a summer day. You made my heart race at every chance you got.

Then it ends.

I guess this is the part of love no one prepares you for. The part where I’m walking through memories we once shared at 3am and I’m wishing I could go back.

Now all I have left is scrapes. Scrapes from falling in love with you.

Our love was perfect but what was more perfect were the times we spent together. 

Love is weird.

It shows up and disappears. It lets you give your all and suddenly it’s gone. And I’m left with nothing.

Without you, loneliness consumed me, even when there was company around. Nothing feels that right when it’s not your own person.

It took losing you to realize you were that person.

But I wanted you to be more than that.

I needed something from you.

I needed you to need me the way I thought I needed you.

I needed you to want me, as deeply as I wanted you.

I wanted you to think of me, as much as I thought of you.

I refused to give up on you without a fight. I gave you a million chances. I wanted this to work, whatever it was, and I was willing to work.

I know it's supposed to be simple. But simplicity is basic and we were not basic. We thought deeply about everything, the intense looks we exchanged.

Somewhere in the midst of it, all my walls came crumbling down with just your touch. I thought yours did too.

I lied.

I guess intoxication comes with visual impairment.

With your hand cupped in mine, I felt safe. I told you everything. I trusted you. I wanted you to trust me too.

I didn't judge you for your past and you made me forget mine.

To me, your imperfections perfectly complimented my own.

Somewhere between everything we had, I got lost. I believed in you. And only you.

Maybe I got drunk too fast. Maybe I got drunk too hard. But you were right there with me. 

You held me closely at every point I staggered.

You led me to believe that this was something. I believed every word. Because they weren't just words but actions that followed.

Were they true actions or I looked at everything through my insobriety?

Somewhere between the clothes on the floor, Our sweat, and our fingers locked,  I thought this was different. 

It was more than just a physical thing, there were emotions neither of us could deny were present. It felt different. Because you were different. We were different.

But somewhere along the way, something changed in us.

We got lost in everything we thought we had.

I guess that was the reality both of us got too scared to accept.

But you made me feel like I was drunk, well was I not?

I was willing to give us a million chances. Everyone kept asking why, but I thought I saw something in you. I thought there was something there. 

Maybe all of it scared you as much as it did me. But I've believed that the best things in life are the things that scare you. And those are the things you gotta run toward, not run away from.

But I forgot that no one runs while they’re intoxicated. Races and tipsiness don’t mix.

But I guess I’m ready to be hurt again.

I’m ready to be drunk again.

The first shot got me intoxicated but I guess my threshold is higher now.

Why should I give up on trying just because you are gone?

How would I meet someone who can love me even better?

You gave me love but maybe I deserved more than you even gave, how would I know?

How would I know if my next shot will be my last?

This was inspired by Ali Gatie’s You Album.

Yours,

Adetutu❤️