THE LOWS

some of us feel it too.

The fact that all of us either intentionally or unintentionally always hit an all-time low is a lot.

I always tell myself maybe my connection point with someone else is the fact that “our mental health might jointly be in the gutter” and I’m never wrong. Struggling to drag yourself out of this low time can be challenging. I’m tempted to share some of my low times in the last month. In contrary to all of everything I show to the world, I’ve been in a bad place. I made a whole post(in fact two) about sharing everything going on but I ended up not posting because I’m like, “why are you intending to make everyone sad because you’re sad?”. A month later and honestly, I’m sad about a whole different thing and I can’t wrap my fingers around the old ones. 

A month ago, I had one of the worst episodes of my PMDD(PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and I was trying to find a balance because it normally is terrible and I honestly always fight myself out of it. My depression and anxiety due to this skyrocketed and I could not feel a single iota of myself. I wanted to be in my room and just lock myself up, probably just disappear and erase my memories from the world but somehow my roommate randomly convinced me about vying for a post in my association. I told myself, “this might be the distraction you need” and I went in for it. 

All the times I posted for everyone to see, smiled at everyone who cared, spoke to everyone necessary, and carried everyone along, I was fighting to see another day. My mind was sunken deep in depression and anxiety and I was crying myself to sleep at night because I was struggling. I made jokes out of it and I told people sometimes, “Life is a struggle, I’m going through a lot”. 

While I was in this bad place and trying to figure a lot out, the person I was with told me he needed a break and that broke me. I acted tough because I had to be. I had exams coming up and no matter how deteriorating I was getting, I had to write my exams. I paused on the entire relationship and focused on making myself better and passing my exams. I remember the Sunday after this day, I was alone in my room studying and I had these suicidal thoughts. I felt like jumping down from the top floor of my hostel and you know disappear cause why should everything hurt so much. I had to leave my room and go be around my friends because my mind was my enemy.

It took a lot of “You’re strong, you’re beautiful, you might not be perfect but you’re as perfect as the world wants you to be” mantra repetition and self-reassurance to pass through this phase. My therapist was not happy as well cause he felt I was getting all better and I relapsed but being the most encouraging person I know, he said, “It is just fine for you to feel like you’re healing but feel all freshly bruised again”. In a week, I had three therapy sessions and I was getting back on my feet. Actually, I got back on my feet. 

It took only one week of “I’m better now” before I came crashing down the ladder again. Results of my exams came and I failed some. As much as it wasn’t supposed to hurt me because everyone in the class had a score that looked like shoe size(It’s the usual mass failure that comes with this particular posting). I still felt down. I felt like maybe medical school wasn’t for me and maybe this entire stress is not what I want to subscribe for. I spent almost 100 hours a week studying and still failed. That is enough to send anyone to the bottom of the ladder. 

I could not even cry because it hurt so much to fail but then isn’t failure a part of the progress?? Here I am today, with something else making me be at the bottom of the ladder. I just realized I might have a congenital disorder of the eyes which somehow could lead to blindness so I have to have some lifestyle modifications and get started on some screening tests and preventive drugs to increase the number of days I get to use my eyes. 

I’ve spent a good number of hours loitering in my thoughts of “why must everything be me” while listening to “Everybody hurts by R.E.M” and thanks to this man, he probably saw that I was sad and tired and he just had to say,

• “When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, Hang on, don’t let yourself go. Cause everybody cries and everybody hurts and sometimes, everything is wrong. But don’t let yourself go. Take comfort in your friends”

That lyric is going to be the conclusion of this piece. Honestly, I don’t know who is reading this or how you feel inside while reading this but I just need you to know everybody hurts and everybody cries. What you’re feeling and it seems like you’re alone and nobody sees how much pain flows through you. That same feeling, some of us feel it too. I’m When you’re in the middle of your day and you’re fighting back not to cry, some people feel it too. That strong feeling of sadness that feels stuck in your throat and you can not even explain why you’re so sad but you’re sure you’re tired of life, some people feel it too.  You wake up every day and it’s a struggle to push through the day because you just want to be in your bed curled up and cry yourself to sleep, some people feel it too. 

Everybody feels hurt for a long time sometimes. Sometimes everything feels wrong and nothing is going the way you planned it to go and people are letting you down and making you feel worthless because they choose other people over you. It sometimes feels like you don’t know how to make a good decision and every single thing you put your hands on ruins. It’s a part of the process and it’s fine to hurt, it’s fine to cry but it’s never fine to take your own life. It’s never fine to give up on fighting. You’re a soldier and you must never back down. The war against your mind would never end, so brace up and fight every suicidal thought because those whispers to take your life are lies.

Take comfort in your friends. Speak to people about how you feel. Let people see that part of you. Don’t hoard how you feel with the fear that they would mock you for it. Let it out. Speak to someone. It could go a long way and save a savior because someday you might be the person someone will look up to to save them. Most importantly, you’re not alone and the way you feel is not invalid but it should not define you. No matter how long the days and nights of struggling to get out of your sad mind are, the day that you will feel like you is coming and you should live for that day.

Yours,

Adetutu❤️