THE ONION

A year well lived.

Dear Reader, 

When you read this, you will probably wonder why it took me months to write to you again when it was a weekly agreement between us to communicate as efficiently as we can. 

I sadly have no words but I hope you find answers as you read along.

I like to compare life to a series of things but right now, I would say I want to see life as an onion. Life has many layers. When you peel off one and think you have gotten to the best point, you realize you can still peel more off.

If you don't make use of that point you are at and use it for your purpose, you will be surprised at how quickly you will be left with nothing.

Every moment of this year presented me with a new layer of the onion and I cannot exactly brag about how efficiently I used the layers.

Living to the fullest is one thing that cannot be inferred as long as you’re still living. 

This year is unarguably my most dynamic year. Maybe the coming year might birth an even more dynamic one, there’s no telling.

I started the year the most heartbroken I have ever been and I'm rounding it up in the most peaceful state I have ever been.

I saw a lot of things and I mean that in all states.

I saw a life start and a life end. I saw people in their most vulnerable states and I saw myself in my strongest and weakest moments.

I spent most of the year writing exams, ones I passed and most I failed. Before now I had never felt the strong sting of failure and how deep the pain can cut but I did feel it and I must mention that it was at that moment I knew how strong I could be. My pain threshold is high.

This year was an exploration of extreme limits that I can make my body go through. Being anxious about doing well in school and feeling like my work couldn't be good enough, I really began to rip apart my self-esteem and motivation to continue creating or writing for that matter.

Sometimes it is easier said than done to prove to yourself you are strong enough to overcome whatever you are going through. Other times you just have to submit yourself to getting help, because it doesn't make you weak; it makes you stronger.

This year, I cried, I laughed, I danced, and I loved.

I met new people,  I made new friends and more acquaintances. I had a chance to peek into the lives of people I never thought I would meet. Overall I let my guard down and opened up to more people. 

For what it is worth,  it was a good venture.

I dropped the thought of being alone but not lonely and spent more time with people that cherish my presence and I made more memories that would remain laced with gold in my heart forever.

This year, I experienced God like never before. I had moments I thought I would slip back into my old life of sadness, pain, and agony but there, there was God.

Several times I felt the omnipresence and I can't deny that must have been him.

I realized how much adrenaline comes to play in injury time and how to make use of it and it further propped me in the direction I want to go. I finally got a good draft of a part of my life I so dearly needed to figure out and it made me feel "a high".

I made mistakes I never got to apologize for, to myself and to anyone who at any point felt they deserved an apology from me. “I'm sorry”. Not for whatever way I must have offended you but for forgetting to render the apology when due.

To myself, fuck you, here's to more mistakes.

In not exactly Stephen Hawking’s words, we say life is predestined and there’s nothing we can do to change it but why do we still look while we cross the road?

I am as responsible for how my life turns out as you’re responsible for yours.

Everything I did, every moment I lived, every mistake I made and every wrong I put right is my responsibility and I’m the architect of my life. I had to accept this after failing two exams back to back.

I have grown, physically. My thoughts when I cross a mirror have changed and at different moments when I almost slipped into body dysmorphia, I would hear someone say they want what I have and it did change how I looked at myself. I learned how to embrace my new body.

I am pierced perfectly together and if I do not appear to be perfect to everyone, asides being perfect to myself, I know there is also that one person I am perfect for.

Even if I didn't take as many pictures as I planned to take at the beginning of the year. I have enough selfies to last me 12 months and I think I did a good job.

I had dreams and goals this year that screamed perfectionism and not until the tenth month of the year, I didn’t realize how big a mistake the dreams I had were. 

I started chasing balance at this point and although it felt so close to the end of the year which wasn’t exactly the deadline, I’m still glad I found it.

Freeing this idea of perfectionism means simply doing your best, which realistically is not perfect all of the time. Sometimes we can only do what we have the time and ability to do. 

Nobody’s perfect. Whether it’s meeting a deadline, studying for an important exam, socializing with friends, or being an executive in your association.

I’ve learned that success is made by balance, not perfectionism. Once you find a healthy balance between your own needs and commitments, you’ll find that even though every aspect of your life isn’t exactly perfect, 

That’s okay.

As the year wraps up, I have seen what I can and cannot do. I am more into doing the things I tagged, “cannot do”. I have drafted my new year's resolution with only one thing as the focal point, discipline. 

Discipline is the highest form of self-love. It is you ignoring current pleasures for bigger rewards to come.

I did not realize how much of it I needed in my life until the die-minute and seeing as it changed a lot for me when I put it into use. I have decided to do better in living a life that anchors it.

I hope to find in a disciplined life what brings me harmony and peace in myself. To keep searching for who I am meant to be and always put myself first, give myself everything I need to be happy; before worrying about what others need.

So to a 2023, I have no idea what I want to do with, I hope we get to love each other more and I hope you get more letters from me.

Yours,

Adetutu❤️