For someone that has exams next week, I scroll through social media a lot. While on my social media tour, I saw a post where a lady said “what’s your deal-breaker in a relationship, please don’t say cheating because if we break up because of cheating then we’d be recycling each other”.
An argument ensued under the post when a guy asked why sex was the measure of infidelity and why cheating was only demonstrated by sexually involving oneself with another. Another person replied and said every other form of love is as intangible as giving yourself, your wholeness to someone else to the detriment of your partner. She added that the idea of the private part is to show only one person. The guy quickly replied to her by stating that a lot of times people have sex without loving the person and the private part is private as long as it’s yours. The lady replied that sex comes with commitment as it’s the basis of reproduction and everything that precedes sex gives off willingness as long as it’s consensual.
Well, the argument went on and on before social media enthusiast, Solomon Buchi dropped a comment and said “Fidelity is not only about sex neither is it about cheating. It is literally just being open and sincere. If you lie to your partner, that’s infidelity. Now, if you cheat on your partner and open up to them, that may not be infidelity.”
I gave a long thought to everything being said because well, I’ve had to end some romantic connections because of infidelity which the basis of was not only them sexually involved with someone else. It encompassed a lot more things.
I have ended a romantic connection just because I felt like there was someone else he valued more because they would text, call for long hours, he would laugh while texting, and even visit each other across states while I’m away in Med school. And when he asked me why I didn’t want to further what we had, I said “you cheated”. He said he didn’t, I mentioned the girl and he said it’s just a text. Well, it’s not just text, she was a day-to-day part of his life as much as I was. Even worse cause they could see each other and spend quality time together more than I could.
I am a very forgiving person and I’ve grown to sometimes see sex as something superficial, something our generation Z people engage in without any attraction. I mean, men would lie that they love you just to have sex with you. People go to clubs, meet for the first time and walk into the restroom with their condoms in their purse or pocket, and have one-time sex. Either transactional or not.
So when I am asked if I think infidelity is boldly characterized by sex or if cheating to me means just sex, I would say NO!
I know someone I have cut off for “cheating” in what we both had would read this and start to ponder on the past or think I am lying for disagreeing. I know I have ended things with someone too just because I found out he had sex with someone so the disagreement might be justified on his part but very unreasonable of this person on my part.
I believe that sex is the ultimate for everyone when it comes to infidelity/cheating. You could do every other thing to someone and it might not hurt but sexually satisfying someone else would unscrew every nut of sanity in your partner’s head.
Personally, I’ve realized that sex is not the reason why I lost my sanity and felt broken. It’s everything that precedes and comes after the sex. No matter how much sex has been trivialized in today’s day, when you truly love someone, some questions will pop up in your head when you find out they were in a sexual situation with another person. These questions are my basis for infidelity.
Love encompasses so many layers. There are so many things that come together to answer “LOVE”. Care, Quality Time and attention, gifts, sweet words, and availability to name a few. All these things build up and make up the emotional part of a relationship.
One would easily say that Emotional fidelity should be more tangible than sexual fidelity when talking about cheating but doesn’t emotions get swayed before, during, and after sex. The post-nut clarity and guilt post-sex agree with this point of mine.
Sex being the highest form of intimacy two people can share makes it up in the hierarchy of fidelity. But then not every two people in a relationship are sexually involved, why then do they still “Not work out” or break up because of infidelity too?
Because Sex is not the only ingredient in cheating, it’s just one of it but it’s physical and a lot of times sexual cheating is followed by lying, hideousness, and sneaking which is easily found out and all of this makes up emotional infidelity which hurts deep.
For me, The hurt that comes after realizing that the person that makes me the happiest is getting that much happiness from someone else is not comparable to sexual infidelity. Seeing you text the same person smiling, video calling the same person for long hours, exchange pictures or videos you don’t show the world with the person, choose to have private conversations with the same person that isn’t me when you claim to love me just hurts differently.
I am supposed to be your number one person the moment I chose to share my heart with you, why should someone else share this space with us?
The commitment that comes with love is not by mouth, it’s by actions. So when I say the actions that preceded sexual involvement hurt more than the involvement, especially in situations when the person your partner was involved with is someone you have been speaking against all along.
Emotional infidelity is much worse than sexual infidelity. We just capitalize on the sexual part as “this day” people because we start to ask ourselves what led to the situation. And I totally disagree with social media enthusiast Solomon Buchi, if you have sex with someone else consensually and not under the influence of hard drugs and tell me after, I am going to walk away.
I am walking away because of the lack of discipline. My first three questions being, “What was going through your head while you were about to, while you were doing it and after you did it”. Sex does not just happen. It happens from a conversation, notion, or thought of thinking less of your partner for a period or an instant, That thought led to sex.
The same thought runs through your mind the moment you start texting/calling someone and you have to hide your phone from your partner because “your partner will misunderstand”. In the first place, why are you having a conversation that can be misunderstood?.
The value you place on your partner drops drastically when you start to realize that maybe whatever happiness, peace, or love you get from them, you can get from someone else, and soon enough everything would crash because your partner would appear to be doing too much. In terms of wanting attention, quality time, and gifts. Communication suffers and insecurities heighten.
This brings me to the conclusion that the implied notion of exclusivity when two people are in a relationship makes the third party no matter the instance either emotionally, sexually, or socially involving yourself in a way you won’t be proud to tell your partner unacceptable.
So when it seems to you like someone is basing their loyalty on sexual involvement, let it be known that it’s just the capitalized statement, undertone emotions are the real basis because the thin line between sexual infidelity and emotional infidelity is void.
Thank you for reading.
I want to say a big thank you to everyone who reached out after reading my last post. Honestly, it made me feel much better. I know I try not to express my emotions a lot on here but I was so out of control and I needed an outlet. I am much better now because what I thought was wrong finally has a solution, even more, it has resolved. I finally realize that I am seen and loved and that makes me want to live to see the light every other day brings. I sincerely love you all and thanks for showing your care.
Yours,
Adetutu ❤️
A nice piece 🙂